Third of May

walk-in-dark1


I walked down the streets.
Good thoughts were inside my head.
I ran and I ran. And I ran more.
I was looking for me.
My legs were going to explode.

Anyway, I had a very good reason to go on.
I was running from someone that wasn’t me.
I have a long journey to walk, I know.
But today, I feel whole. Complete.
I guess I found myself.

 

Still burns

Cannot run
Cannot hide
What I am feeling
Deep here inside.

I know I shoudn’t care about the way other people think
Or pay attention on what they dream for me
But what am I gonna do?
How can I tell something like that?
What about the people I love and care about?
How can I admit this feeling?
I’m not so sure of it, though
But I know it is here
Inside of me
Burning til I die
Ready to comes out
Need to scream my lungs out
But seriously, how?  How?
Still burns.
Sometimes I wanna die
I could simply die only to end this pain
But then I remember of my family
Of my friends
Of all the people I love and care about
And suddenly

(hold on! breathe for a while!)

I stop.

Feelings may be dangerous
And they could be fatal
So weird
Painfully weird
I have so many things to rearrange
To think about it
And mainly how to finish the right way
Everything must come to an end.
When this is going to end?

Until then…

(hold on again)

I should be careful
I should be patient
Try to end this pain
Putting all my suffering
All my sadness
In something good
Something I can do well
Amazingly perfect
Just wanna be great

I fear this isn’t going to end.
Oh wait
This is not going to end so early.
And you should know one thing:
I’m afraid of the last chapter.

Time flies
And I need some answers
Sometimes I feel I dont need them
But I need to know, actually.
No matter how painful they can be.

Inside my heart
There’s a lot of mess
And fear.

I’d give my two decades of life
To have a little peace of mind
And love
Just love
My way.

So, please
I’m begging you:
Accept me
For what I am
For the things that I do
For the things I’m not so sure about.

curtains close

Epilogue

Life isnt easy, buddie.
How can I finish this pain?
Just tell me 
How can I love my fucking way?
I’m a X
But they want to turn me into a Y.
Now can you understand what I am feeling?
Deep here inside.

Sick and tired

image

Not feeling so good these days. Don’t ask me why cos I cant tell you exactly. All I know is that I’m frustrated about several things and, in the moment, I cant do anything to heal my pain. I’m afraid of losing my grip. Nobody knows what I’m feeling right now. Nobody knows and NEVER will know. Unbelieveble. I’m really a loser. I used to respect myself, but now… I can’t even talk about. Sick and tired about everything. I need a “turn off” button.

And then…

I believe today is gonna be a brighter day. Everything is gonna be ok and I’m totally aware of it. However I should be awake for the storm. Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain. Besides, nobody said it was easy. Life isn’t easy and we gotta do the right moves. The world is still rounding and rounding and you gotta scream your lungs out: I’m part of this giant ball and I’M SO GONNA MAKE THIS RIGHT, BITCHES!

Everyday I write the book

 

Chapter 1

My life sucks.

Chapter 2

It sucks even more. I could even kill myself 2nite.

Chapter 3

And then appears you, Penny Lane.

Chapter 4

Suddenly I fall in love with Penny.

Chapter 5

I’ve been dumped by her. That cruel, heartless, evil bitch.

Chapter 6

My angry is gone. I think I still love her. I decided to put all my suffering into a book.

Chapter 7

My book turns into a best-seller all around the world. The title: Memoirs of a Dumped Guy

Chapter 8

Curiously, you fall into me and see ribbons of colours. I mean, you ‘re really loving me (or my fame?) You know, love and fame in the same sentence… that’s about a dangerous game. Really dangerous.

Chapter 9

After all, I have learned to love myself before anyone else.

Chapter 10

Penny doesnt get this – really hard for her to understand – and she didnt want to let me go.

Chapter 11

She’d rather be blind than see me with another girl.

Chapter 12

Guess what? I fell in love with Fresh Daisy. Somebody made especially for me.

Chapter 13

Months later, I saw her with another guy.

Chapter 14

I realized that I was really born to live alone.
But I have a voice.
And I need this voice to live.
And I should learn how to use it.
It’s my way to express myself.
Hurt it or not, that’s who I am.
And, if God gave me a life I have to face it.
Every single day I’m writing the book. My book.
This ain’t the last chapter. Yet.
And I really dont know when it’ll be finished.

 

I Ain’t Sorry for Fucking Nothin’ I Done

Stefani’s mother told her when she was young:

“we’re all born superstars”

Well, she wasn’t “that” right about me. I wasn’t born a superstar. Au contrair. My life had always been a mess. Is this the real life? Unfortunately, it is. Everytime I start something new, I screw it up. Always. No matter how hard I try to accomplish my mission. Why do I always have to fail? People are always criticizing me, saying I’m weak and undifferent about my problems. Very fine for them to say that, right? They’re rich and full of self-esteem, everything goes right for all of them. Actually they can raise a building with just a blink of an eye. I got a lot of self-esteem too, but I’m a human being. I commit mistakes, I suffer and have needs which need to be supplied. I’m timid and I should get my confidence back. But wait… Did I have confidence before? That’s an interesting point I’m so not going to expose. At least not now. All I can say is: I have no regrets. I know I went wrong , but nobody really cared about my problems and didnt even try to help me in those hard times. They don’t give a damn about me. So, nobody can expect nothing from me.

 

Loser. That is so me.